And in an instant, everything can change.

Can I vent? Is it okay that I completely lose my cool- let go of the grip that (as a 25 yr old mother of 2) I’m supposed to have on life?

The tantrum to begin now.

To simply shout life isn’t fair over and over again will not do justice to the trials and tribulations my family and myself are enduring right now. We are hardworking- we know nothing comes easy or completely free, and have made extremely self sacrificing decisions for the better of our children and their future. We play by the rules regardless of our personal opinion.

For the life of me, I can’t seem to figure out why it has been so consistently hard to catch up to anything financially. The monthly debacle of balancing rent, bills, groceries, and transportation leaving us with less than $10 per person in leisure. So desperate for cash, I’ve tried working from home only to be limited due to provincial complications. We quite literally can’t afford to move, neither can we afford the excessively high prices of childcare in order for me to work and bring in the extra moolah.

I doubt I’ll become some internet sensation overnight… and while my rap and singing skills can sometimes be sharp, I definitely won’t be signing with any labels any time soon. Time is ticking, these kids are growing, and the amount of things we need is ..well, embarrassing.

The reason I’ve become so experienced in the kitchen is because making meals out of whatever is in the pantry allows me to pretend I’m on a low budget edition of Chopped. My kids are becoming D.I.Y masters before the age of 4 because we can’t just up and purchase a new end table- so we’ll make and decorate one using whatever we can find in our recycling. I do thank goodness for the museums who open their doors free of admission each day from 4-5 (4-9), and the many family events that are open to the public, as they give us a chance to do things that other families get to experience regularly.

But for once, I’d like to say to the kids, “hey, we’re going shopping today. Pick out any 5 toys and 5 outfits each.” I’d like to go and buy food that I actually like, instead of what is on sale. I’d like to update my own wardrobe, and hubby’s and replace the holey/stained garments. Family vacations? Haven’t had one and haven’t planned one. To plan, you have to save…and to save you have to have extra. And yes, I am very thankful for the roof over our head (despite the struggle of keeping it there), but raising two rambunctious kids on the very top floor of a low rise apartment building is no bueno. I always feel so badly for the neighbors beneath us.

I just want to be a normal family again.  Whatever normal is. We just need more money.

Hubby works night and day (often literally) to make ends meet, while I constantly strive to bring an income while raising the boys at home. They won’t be able to start elementary school for another 2 to 4 years (unless we can move into the other province), leaving me without the opportunity to contribute to the bacon being brought in.

It didn’t all start like this, but this is how it has ended up. I’m not lazy, and I’m not an idiot. I have 2 years of university under my belt with plans of finishing whilst staying home with the children.

I’m just completely exhausted and frustrated.

But I’ll keep trucking. My boys don’t know the extent of our daily stresses as they have clean and unbroken clothes, a copious amount of toys, and eat 3 whole meals with 3-5 intermittent snacks each day. That’s how they should feel. We sacrifice to give them normalcy.

I just hope this rut ends sooner than later. Maybe I’ll have that life changing epiphany, or maybe we’ll win that $10k radio contest that’s been going on all month.

I just needed to complain out loud- declog the clutter fluttering around my brain.
I need to remind myself to stay calm, positive and and active in finding solutions.

End tantrum.

On a brighter note, the Habs (my favorite NHL Hockey team) are doing great in the Stanley Cup playoffs against the Ottawa Senators. Another game on tonight!

Blog entry title encourage by Stabilo


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