The Complicated Relationship Between Mothers and Their Kids.

*Warning* This post is a familial related revelation post. If family related topics disturb you..you probably clicked on the wrong blog 😉

Awoke at 6:00 AM today in the best way possible.

K.J, my one year old crawled into my bed and gave me the sweetest peck kisses in the world until I opened my eyes. The kisses were followed by a whisper. “Mommy, get up. I want orange pweez.” And while I still had 30 minutes of reservation time with my bed, I couldn’t resist that sweet little request. I slugged to the kitchen, his little hand grasped around my pointer finger, and got him his orange.

I love being a mother. The parts where our matching love-seats aren’t for sitting, but instead emergency igloos on our trek across Alaska during cold winter storms. Those moments when even the smallest injury can only be fixed after mom gives it a magic kiss. Especially their happy, smiling faces when we  successfully make deserts to surprise daddy with after supper. I love helping them discover new things, answering all of their questions and showing them how to research things they don’t understand (My favorite lesson so far: the difference between boy bodies and girl bodies (explaining that women have “lady parts” and breast while men have wee wees and pecs- seriously, hilarious)

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And while there are so many positives…Lord knows there are many negatives. For some reason, its frowned upon to speak about the cons of having children- but lets be real, every parent has their bad moments. Its an unwritten rule: No child is allowed to grow up without causing their parent some sort of stress or headache. It doesn’t mean the child is a bad seed, or that the parent is doing a bad job. Its just apart of the child/parent process.

This is where it gets complicated. Because kids have so much to learn, the great moments are often overshadowed by the disciplinary opportunities. Some factors have to be drilled on a daily basis. I’ve thought of recording the repeated phrases on a soundboard, and playing them as needed to save my voice. If I have to keep saying “don’t run in the house,” “share,” or “please, get down from there,” any more, it may be automatically copy written in my honor. But that’s included in the decision of having a family. Repetitive phrases, phrases I’d never thought I say (“please don’t tug your brothers wee wee”- real situation), poop and pee in places I thought I’d never see it, and smells that haven’t been discovered by any scientists yet. The chaos is real. But its a real kind of once in a life time beautiful.

I’m handling it.

I’m no expert though, by any means. I do the best I can. Healthy snacks, balanced diet, quality time, manners, various exposure (1950’s-60’s time-period day and the ode to Punk music hour are my favorites!), chores, no fighting, family first, and all the other major facets of a well rounded mind . But I’m still learning and open to new methods. I just want the best for my boys, better than I had (and to be honest, I had it pretty nice. I had big bumps in the road growing up, but before her passing, my mom was an amazing mother, teacher and role model)

I guess, by writing this out, I’m reminding myself that I really shouldn’t be complaining as much as I do. Yes, running a family is hard work, but its worth every effort if I want my boys to become the very best of themselves as they age. After all, it wasn’t their request to be put in this world, but now that they are here, it is me and Hubby McStudMuffin’s job to make sure they succeed and excel. And I do want them to succeed and excel.

Plus, I’m going to be a cool mom with an awesome talk-to-me-about-anything-I-won’t-judge-but-will-tell-you-if-its-realistic-or-a-bad-idea-but-support-you-when-needed relationship with my boys. Its going to be awesome!

Ciao

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Did you laugh?

I need $400k.

Did you laugh?

I did. I laughed a lot. Mostly because I don’t have an active income right now. And also because even if I did, my paychecks wouldn’t even equal to a quarter of that.

I have, however, narrowed down all of the expenses on my organization’s budget down to every hairy detail. Now, I’m working on my “in-kind” donations to lessen the amount. (In-kind donations are donated things with a value- so in a budget, if someone donated 3 office desks that had a value of 150 each, that’s a $450 in-kind donation, also $450 off of the $400k). I’m hoping these local businesses carry a kind heart. The goal is to get at least $1000-$5000 worth of in-kind donations. I really just want to launch this project. If only money were no object..

Another thing to check off the checklist is the grants I’m applying to. I’ve already started the majority of the applications, and completing this budget will definitely be the closing. Then it will be a waiting game- the ball will officially be moving..unless someone just decides to donate $200k-500k to our organization randomly like they do in those late-night inspirational movies. You know the ones- If it were based on my life, the TV Guide info would read:

A young black mom endures hardship while trying to raise her family and start a environmentally and economically beneficial business. Little did she know, her neighbor, a normally bitter,  and secretly rich old man would find his inner-kindness on his dying bed, his one last wish: to make all of his neighbor’s dreams come true. Rated: PG 13  Family Movie

Seriously. I need that to happen to me! I promise I wouldn’t even blow it on random crap- I’m too old for that. I’d literally just pay off my bills, buy a very modest house (I don’t need excessive space,I’m not hiring a maid, and I’m definitely not cleaning up a mansions worth of toddler spills), a car (something Eco-friendly, pocket friendly, and nothing leather- again, I have 2 young boys), and load the house with groceries. After that, its all business!

Wishful thinking. I know. But who knows..maybe my magical finance angel is just around the corner.

On that note, I must head to the kitchen. Its Indian food night, and I’m making my infamously loved butter chicken with basmati rice. I forgot the naan bread at the store. How am I only realizing this now?

Sigh.

Avidizane.

*update* – Best butter chicken I’ve ever made!
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Finance angel, please visit my webpage to learn where to donate. Or buy all of the t-shirts I’m selling here. Don’t worry, I’ll post this at the end of each blog post from here on out! 😉

I’m anxious and its freezing

Divulged my worries in breakfast this morning.

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It looked deceivingly beautiful outside yesterday. Sun rays glared through the window, melting the snow that collected along the windowsill. I at some point naively opened the balcony door only to take in all -19 degrees of pure cold accompanied by 27 mph winds. If I hadn’t already been fully awake, that sure would’ve done trick. *to the tune of Canada’s national anthem* “Oh Canada, the home of frost and ice, true freezing winds, this weather’s not so nice,..”

Now, I’m originally from Georgia. That’s right folks- sweet ol’ southern sweet potato pie eating, biscuits & syrup lovin’, deer huntin’, ghost story tellin’, hospitality havin’, daisy dukes wearin’, heat of 1000 suns Savannah, Georgia. Down home, there’s no such thing as a snow storm. Heat index warnings, sure, but no frostbite warning! One of the deciding factors of my moving to Canada was for the variation of weather. This country has actual changing seasons! The winters here though…are just very.extremely.freaking.cold.

I remember my first year in Canada back in 2009. I’d just turned 20 and moved into this cute little neighborhood in Montreal. I remember thinking this was the prime time in my life. Classes were canceled due to expected 15 cms of snow and frequent power outages so I decided to put off finishing my assignments and go play hockey in the park. The neighborhood ice rinks were free, well taken care of, and usually desolate during the day- especially during storm warnings. I grabbed my ice skates, hockey stick (GO HABS GO) and hockey puck, and headed around the block. It was pure luck that I lived so close to the rink, luck that I was grateful for all winter. Anyhow, I got to the rink, empty as usual, laced up, and entered my own world. An hour or so of working on my hockey skills, I released the 7 year old in me and did my best impersonation of Christina Yamaguchi. It was then that I made a promise to embrace each winter to its fullest extent.

I can’t say with pride that Ive kept up with that promise, but as a family, we have participated in the winter festivals. We even had our first beaver tail treat during Ottawa’s Winterlude. It was delicious! I blame my growing bitterness of the winter on the kids- as harsh as it sounds. Pre-family, I could up and go with my friends, sipping on a vodka tea while taking the city on for what it really had to offer on its coldest days. Post family.. there is the ordeal with the snowsuits. Those fluffy suits, often times further complicated by the struggle of the boys’ tiny little bodies eagerly trying to escape it. All the straps, buttons, zippers. Add the puffy winter boots, extra sweater, scarf, mittens, hat, and impossibly puffier winter coat. By the end of putting all of those things on, I’m sweaty and in need of a Valium. It kills the “up and go” I mentioned previously. Not to mention the numerous amount of buses we’ve missed in preparation for an outing. But once we get outside, its worth it to see their smiling faces (warm smiling faces). I can’t wait for summer.

Ugh..

I’m anxious. That’s the reason I’m having such a copious amount of memories spewing from me. Sent out some important emails yesterday and…I don’t know if or when I’ll hear back. This part of trying to start a business is what drives me to the pantry for a rice cake binge.

Updated my webpage this morning. There’s still some parts of me that can’t believe I’m going for my dream. I even designed some t-shirts to sell in order to raise money (check them out here – purchases or criticism welcome). Everything will happen at the right time as long as I keep working hard to get there…right? I hope so. Now accepting all positive vibes!

Until something more.

Oh yeah. Turns out hubby has some anxiety issues. Any tips on how to cope with that is welcome as well. 😉

Its not at all like the doctors on TV…

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When mom plays with the boys, details matter.

Me:  Hey boys, why don’t we add an airport to our city!?
Boys in excitement: YEAH!!!
Me: And maybe use the megablocks to make buildings for the cars and people to go in?
3yrold: GREAT IDEA! And don’t forget the police patrol cars to make sure there are no bad guys!
Me: Only if Batman is chief!

There’s something about the innocence in kids that refreshes me. After a couple hours laughing at there jokes that are actually just one word punchlines and making up songs about dinosaurs, I feel like a puppy in a milk-bone house. Just so at peace and happy 🙂

In other events,Hubby McStudmuffin is on his way home. Still a lot of unanswered questions but a prescription was given. A slight sigh of relief escapes me, but a smidge of worry is still amidst. Doctors are not at all what they seem like on House M.D or Grey’s Anatomy.  And while it’s rather juvenile to believe that the real world could actually be like that of fiction television, I honestly wished the extreme levels of care and drive to diagnosis was true!  Not that I wish anything on Hubs,  but many different doctors for the same medical condition and no definite answers.  And there goes another sigh.

Feeling a little discouraged about work these days. Mostly because I can’t make a lot of moves without proper financing. That’s normal, I know.  But my dream for this is so big! I imagine the families we’d be helping, the kids we’d be teaching and how much of the planet we’d be sustaining and my eyes start to well, with happiness of course.
I just .. I wish. ..
For once, I wish the financial miracle happened in our family.

When I do finally get where I’m supposed to be with this,  so many parts of me will feel complete. Until then, I’ll just allow my beautiful, trouble filled boys to bring me that sense of nirvana (I instantly started humming Lithium ) that they always do…when they aren’t impersonating Dennis the Menace.

Good day. “I SAID GOOD DAY!”
(If you know this quote, we should be friends…just sayin’)

Make haste!

Hubby McStudmuffin (see previous entry for clarification) left for the hospital in an ambulance around 5 this morning. Heart racing, sweaty palms, the whole nine yards. Frequent updates have revealed nothing life-threatening thus far, and I hope it remains this way.

Our lack of a car has left me at home with the kids in a worried state. To preoccupy myself, I deep cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, rearranged my bedroom and the family room, did all the laundry, gave the kids a bath (as opposed to at night during bedtime routine), organized the kids toys by type and washed the windows. This all before noon.

Not having a car doesn’t usually bother me, but it really is taking its toll today.

I’ve tried getting some work done, but sitting still doesn’t help matters. I don’t like being alone in hospitals, especially when they’re running tests, so it doesn’t feel just leaving him in that predicament. Taking the bus to get to him seems like a good option, minus the -19 degree weather and winds of 27 mph. I’m just awaiting his go ahead.

Writing usually soothes me though. Not so much by hand because my thoughts come faster than I can write. Which reminds me, I found an old book I wrote about 6 or 7 years ago. Not published or anything. I re-read it. It was pretty interesting considering its targeted audience. Maybe I’ll type it up and edit it..possibly send it out. Who knows what could happen. After all, its 2015: the year of opportunity.

The kids most likely sensing something is bit off, have given me a bit of a break today. Sure there have been a couple of tantrums here and there, but nothing that makes me hide in the bathroom for 5 minutes of silence.

I’ll try once again to at least get some paper work done. If all else fails, I’ll consider it my day off and make it up by working a day over the weekend.

But hey, at least my cleaning is done.

Arrivederche.

Brief Interruption

If this isn’t true, then I’m a blue camel crossing the desert.

New occurrences in the home has encouraged blog entry number 3. Hubster McStudmuffin (super cute nickname for my hubby-patent pending) isn’t feeling well. It must be serious because consideration for visiting the doctor has escaped from his lips. I’m hoping he’ll feel a lot better soon.

Dinner is  ready- Garlic herb chicken on a bed of basmati rice and steamed veggies with a homemade chicken stock gravy. Nothing from a 4 star restaurant, but Chef Gordon Ramsay would approve. I hope anyway, but I’d take an empty plate from the kids as well.

During work today, I re-discovered my disdain for math. It doesn’t seem so bad when I’m teaching the kids the simple addition, but throw in brackets, decimals and squareroots, I’d gladly read the Canadian Charter of Rights verbatim instead.

The number of interruptions Ive endured even through this simple entry is record breaking. One of which consisted of me saying “don’t put the mats around your neck.” Does that sentence make sense to anyone else?

As delighted as I would be to continue my escape through words, I must bid thee goodbye, au revoir, and to all a good night (or morning if the distance is great).